Bass Jokes

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Banjo players tend to get kidded a lot and jokes about them abound. In the interest of equal time, perhaps it’s time for some other instruments to have some good natured fun poked at them. Here’s a sampling of jokes about those oversize fiddle players we all treasure:

1) How many measures does it take to notice that the bass player isn’t playing anything?Two bars (one if they have a good IPA on tap)

2) Why didn’t the new bass student show up for her second lesson?

She already had a gig.

3) What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful woman on his arm?

Nice tattoo

4)What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

5) How do you know if a bass player is successful?

His girlfriend has a job

6) Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his band noticed?

7) How can you tell the stage is level at a gig?

The bassist drools outta both sides of their mouth.

8) What do you call it when two upright bassists play in unison?

A minor second.

9) Why couldn’t the bassist get through the front door?

Couldn’t  find the key and didn’t know when to come in!

10) Why can’t bassists tell jokes?

Timing is everything.

11) Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?

It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

12) How many country-western bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

1 – 5 – 1 – 5 – 1 – 5

13) A man goes on a vacation to a tropical island. As soon as the plane lands, he gets off and hears drumming. At first, he thinks, “This is pretty cool”. He ends up going to a luau and hears the drumming. He eats lunch and hears the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums. He tries to sleep, but can’t because of the constant drumming.

The drumming goes on for four days. The guy has to go down to the front desk because he can’t sleep. He asks the manager “What is the deal with these drums! Make them stop. I haven’t got any sleep this whole week!”

The manager of the hotel says “No. Drums don’t stop. You don’t want the drums to stop, sir.”

“Why?”

“Because when drums stop… Bass solo begins!”

14) A symphony orchestra is in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so the bass players decide to go to the bar next door and have a few drinks.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor’s score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it’ll tug on the string and they’ll know to head back to the concert hall.

So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he’s in trouble.

It’s the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded.

15) A bass player is in a hot jazz jam when one of her strings breaks. The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since she can’t really play Jazz with only 3 strings. She contemplates whether she should go buy a replacement string, but after some time she decides it could wait and starts playing Bluegrass instead.

She plays Bluegrass for another hour when suddenly another string breaks. The bassist is again quite saddened but decides it really isn’t that big of a deal, but since she can’t really play her favorite bluegrass songs with only 2 strings she moves on to play some Rock and Roll.

The bass player continues playing for a few more hours, slowly starting to enjoy the new Rock tunes she’s playing, when suddenly the 3rd string breaks. The Bassist is really disappointed now, but it’s already late and all the stores are probably closed, so she decides she’ll buy the new strings tomorrow. She continues playing, but since Rock can’t be played with only one string she starts playing Pop Music.

She has fun playing Pop with her last string for some time, when her last string breaks.

The Bassist is saddened again, but with no other option she finally starts playing Rap.

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