Express Lane…Closing Soon

Item 1: Sheila and I and some friends just got back from the Gallo Theater in Modesto watching the existential/absurdist comic Steven Wright perform. It was a wonderful 90 minute journey into the mind of a very disturbed individual. (In the kindest way) Here are a few of Mr. Wright’s musings.

(**Disclaimer: The following views do not necessarily express those of the CBA hierarchy or their immediate staff.)

Item 2: The sign said, “Eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

How do you know when you run out of invisible ink?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,”Did you sleep well?” I replied, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking stupid.

When I was five years old my father made me stand in the closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I used to work at the fire hydrant factory.You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

If God takes LSD does he see people?

Item 2: “Knock Knock!” “Who’s There?” Â Â Â (REDACTED)

Item 3: If you are reading this Friday Morning Welcome Column it is safe to assume that Mr. Cornish has been unable to interview fully the 364 CBA members who have taken the time and effort to write and submit for approval their own Friday Welcome Column. Rick assures me he is reading each column with due care and diligence.

Item 4: If you are Not reading my column but reading a column written far much better than I could have by another CBA member, then you will not even know about my column today. Enjoy the new Welcome Column. If my column is not run you won’t know I said that. Man I am getting lost here….

 Item 5: Continuing… There is an old country song that has the title,”How can I miss you if you don’t leave” or something of that nature. After last months debacle of saying goodbye I can only assume that the kind CBA readership might harbor some of these feelings. I do feel your pain.I am ashamed to write this but I must,”It is what it is.”

 Item 6: Speaking of which. A modern day Shakespeare might scribe “It is what it is, or isn’t what it isn’t, that is the question.Whether to be cooler and more rad in the flight tower or to really be bummed out, The scuds and IBM Missiles of really ostentatious lottery winnings…..Alas poor Yorick! He was MBF.”

Item 7: Rivers and lakes. Try this on for size.  It would take 28 days for the flow of the Amazon River to fill up Lake Erie.  I read that.

Item 8: I Saw Weird Al at the Gallo last week and it was all good. Not an empty seat in the house and for 120 nonstop minutes smiles and laughs filled the lush theater of all those enjoying a wonderful evening of entertainment. Al has his “stuff” organized and he doesn’t short change his fans. What a show.

My cousin, John Goulart, recently retired crackerjack Asst.DA for Stanislaus County joined me in the fun.John and I have shared a few shows at the Gallo.Most recently we were in awe at the Mariza concert as our Portuguese six foot stunning sister took center stage and belted out fado music that brought tears to our eyes.

Item 9: My sister, Maria Nadauld (Above the Bay Booking) e-mailed me last week calmly writing, “I have to hurry. Catching a plane for Philadelphia to hook up with Megan who is flying in from Nashville. We are flying to Italy for a few dinners and wine.Had a few free ‘open’ days on the calendar and had nothing better to do.” Well your younger brother had a few open days on his calendar and made an extra trip to Costco.

Item 10: Last Week Maria flew off to Nashville for the Grand Masters Fiddle Championships at the Country Music Hall of Fame. Megan is doing the judging. Maria then flies straight from Nashville to the IBMA Conference in Raleigh which starts Monday, September 28. After being gone from the homestead for ten days Maria is home for a quick change and water the plants (Cap’n Bill keeps the porch light on) and jets off to New York City to catch a few plays and visit Bobby De Niro for a Cutty and water.

Item 11: I have said many things about Rick in the past, and you the reader be the judge of their veracity. As the setting sun slowly sinks into the beautiful Pacific and as each new autumn approaches bringing us another year grayer I wanted my good friend Rick to exactly how I felt about him. Two Little Boys (Play) (If this doesn’t work) well it will.

Item 12: El Nino. At Woodstock in 1969 the clouds opened up and rained on the parade. The young concert goers united together and chanted “No rain! No rain!” With competent editing it appeared to work. Wouldn’t it be nice (Thank you Brian Wilson) if Californians could clasp hands, bow our heads and chant, “More rain! More rain!” and it rained and snowed from October to June and buckets of precious water began filling our lakes and reservoirs while covering our majestic Sierra Nevada’s with mountains of freshly fallen snow.

Item 13: Only 14 months until the presidential election. Aren’t you excited?

So until the cows come home or Friday, November 6, whatever comes first: Read a book, hug a child, pet a dog, stroke a cat,eat a bar of chocolate, and make someone smile.