With six months to go till the CBA Father’s Day Bluegrass Festival, I give you a compilation of festivation and camping wisdom:
1. The only thing worse than having a spider in your tent is losing a spider in your tent.
2. Remember to bring a large indelible marker for drawing on your friend’s face when they’re asleep.
3. Please refrain from licking your steak knife.
4. Propane tanks that are topped off when packed will inexplicably reduce by the time you get unpacked at camp.
5. It’s a well-known fact that the ground isn’t hard until you try to bang in a tent stake.
6. The loudness of the streetlamp jam is in direct correlation to your need for sleep.
7. Being forced to chase shade in the audience area ensures that you will not be prone to suffer blood clots.
8. The width of a camp chair should widen to match the age of the occupant.
9. If anyone corrects your singing, just tell them you are freestyling.
10. Remember: No skinny dipping. Alone.
11. When smoking a turkey at your campsite, remember to never inhale.
12. Chasing the resident gander around the pond will definitely end badly for you.
13. If you haven’t already lost the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife, it will happen during the festival.
14. Instrument case weights increase in direct proportion your distance from camp.
15. If there’s a 20% chance of rain possible, 100% will fall on your camp.
16. Eating two boxes of Thin Mints will not leave you feeling thin.
17. You won’t be able to drink all day unless you start in the morning.
18. Fatal failure of tent zippers increases proportionally to the quantity of mosquitos on the other side of the screen.
