Zzzuper Bowl Sunday…what’s that you ask? That “Zzz” is the sound of me taking a wonderful winter’s afternoon nap on the couch during the big game this Sunday. Deflated footballs, horses and puppies, renegade halfbacks…eeenough already. If you’re reading this column, you’re most likely of a mindset similar to mine when it comes to this peculiar U.S.-centric national spectacle. Must folks Sunday morning, I suspect are whipping their relishes, brazing the chops, and icing the beer. Instead here you are, strangely indifferent to the billions of dollars worth of media genius trying to convince you that there really is something bigger than Santa Claus.
I wasn’t always like this regarding the Super Bowl, or even football in general (there IS a different football enjoyed by the other 95% of the world world). A subtle shift began in my thinking a few years ago when I came home from evening Sunday Mass to watch a 49er game I had recorded. My remote at the time had a button that allowed me to skip forward about 35 seconds. The time allowed between plays in the NFL is 40 seconds. Including a couple of replays, I was done with the game in about 25 minutes. There wasn’t enough time to go to the bathroom, make a sandwich or finish my beverage.
This got me to thinking: if the median number of plays in a game is about 130 and a play takes about five seconds, then there are approximately 650 seconds of real action, or about ….10.83 minutes! Consider that only a small fraction of the players even get to play half those minutes. And I began to wonder, why are all those fat guys panting so hard? Why is that running back sucking on oxygen after ten seconds of work with a 40 second rest in the middle? Could it possibly be from the strain of lugging around a ridiculous amount of plastic padding and helmut totaling about 20 pounds whilst wearing ludicrous skin tight knickers? That would wear me out. (That carbon steel face mask is surprisingly light, however).
And so the spectacle that is American football began to wane among my interests. My feelings were corroborated by an article published by Wall Street Journal that statically analyzed the game.The article’s focus is to break down what the networks are actually spending their time broadcasting since the typical broadcast length of an NFL match is three hours, thus leaving 169 minutes of 180 to fill with whatever is necessary to keep viewers engaged. Sportsonearth.com has a fascinating analysis of what actually occurs on the filed itself in that three hour span.
Now those of you that know me well, or even through Facebook, are going to call me out as a hypocrite. You’ve seen me post about games before. I have to own that: I grew up watching Brodie, Ted Kwalick, Montana, Lott, Young, and Rice. But my roiling, youthful enthusiasm has cooled to a low simmer. I’ll sit through about half 49er games a season…uh, make that recline…usually with a newspaper tented over my face like a piece of foil on a Thanksgiving turkey. Have a good Sunday at church, or sitting in front of a cafe with a cappuccino…or even in front of the television watching some commercials, replays, and yes, even an eleven minute game.
