It’s June in the year 2020. It’s 2 AM in the morning, Sunday, Grass Valley, California, at the Nevada County Fairground’s CBA “Bluegrass Village.” A large group of bluegrass jammers has gathered under the tall, stately pine trees. Yes, it’s 2020, and it hasn’t happened yet, even though it is happening right now.
This bluegrass jam started with just a few people, but it has grown and grown, and now is what jam etiquette experts would call, “Way too big.” Maybe it is the earliness of the morning, but nobody in this jam seems to care how big it has become. Or maybe it is the intrigue of the strangeness of the names in this particular, peculiar bluegrass jam. So strange that a non-jammer watcher and listener, seated behind the large circle of jammers, has taken it upon herself to get out paper and pen and write down the names of the jammers who have introduced themselves after the tenth song of the jam.
Al Falfa, Ann Hedonia, Sara Tonnin, Tess Testosterone, Phil Harmonic, Chuck Wagon and his cousin Chuck Roast, Anna Mosity, Slim Chance, Ima Pilgrim, Claus Traphobic, Phil Abuster, Ben Gaye, Opey Oid, Al Gorhythm, Ruth Less, Al Giers, and Anna Lytic. Yep, all of them, and some more.
And the thing about it is, that when each of the jammers introduces a song or tune to be played, it somehow relates to their human name. The jam started off with traditional bluegrass tunes, and all the jammers kept within the boundaries. Kept within the boundaries that is, until after the first group break, when free coffee is served up to anybody who wants it. But after the break, and as some jams go, all of the musical offerings are not hard core, traditional bluegrass. Maybe it was something in the coffee?
Al Falfa started off with, “The Green, Green Grass of Home.” Ann Hedonia came next with an instrumental, “Jerusalem Ridge,” but prefaced the tune by saying, “I really don’t get any pleasure out of playing this tune anymore, but I’ll do it anyway.” Then Sara Tonin offered up, “Foggy Mountain Breakdown,” by saying, “I know this is a worn-out, overdone tune, but I just feel so good when I play it.” After Earl’s masterpiece was over, Phil Harmonic jumped right in with a potential jam-buster, a big band orchestra piece that none of the jammers had ever played before, but some somehow they managed, and even put their own bluegrass-twist on it. Then the next jammer, Paul Bearer, started off with the well known murder ballad, “Bands of the Ohio.” Then it was Chuck Wagon’s turn, and he said, “Let’s take a short break, go get some of those late night hot dogs, and then come right back.” All the jammers agreed.
After the break, with the jammers’ full bellies noticeably protruding (one of them way more than the others), Ima Pilgrim led off with the gospel song, “I Am A Pilgrim,” which made most of the jammers realize that it was now, in fact, Sunday. Suddenly Rick Cornish wanted to pass the offering plate (his new hat), saying, “I want a new fiddle,” but the other jammers thought he was suffering from a lack of sleep, and eating thirteen hot dogs during the break that caused him to make such a suggestion. His suggestion was voted down. Just then another late night jammer, Chuck Roast, said to Rick, “You’d better get back to your campsite. I saw J.D. Rhynes there with a can of white paint and a 4″ brush, painting on your trailer, ‘Free, just haul it away.'” Rick slipped away into the darkness.
Anna Mosity started the next tune, and she played a mighty mean 5 string banjo on, “Earl’s Breakdown.” Slim Chance followed her, stating he wanted to play, “Stairway To Heaven,” but he was stopped by three of the bluegrass police who had wandered into the jam area (however Slim was awarded 1st place for “Best Jam Buster” of the early morning). Another jam buster was stopped when Open Oid wanted to play Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab,” and then Ruth Less wanted Opey to leave the jam. She was voted down. Then, right after playing, “Clinch Mountain Black-Step,” Vic Trola remarked, “Wow, I sure wish we could have made a record of this jam!”
Finally, as dawn was born, Anna Lytic suggested the jam stop so everyone could get a few hours of sleep before the breakfast booth opened, and the day began to unfold. All the sleepy-eyed jammers agreed, and got up from their chairs. And as everybody headed out into the darkness, faint glimmers of the sun made their way through the grove of dancing pine trees that surrounded the jammers. And if you rubbed your eyes, and looked closely, you could see the ghosts of The Empire Mine mingle with the rays of the sun, as they disappeared with grins on their faces.
And right now on this fine Saturday morning, as I’m writing this, I suddenly noticed, for the first time in my life, I’m having bluegrass jam on my toast….
